I hate this medication...

A little over a month ago I went to a normal drs appt for my thyroid (and to find out why I wasnt having periods) and I ended up having a total meltdown when I read the "do you have depression" questionnaire they give everyone at appts..

Do you feel worthless??  yes..

Do you have insomnia or want to sleep all the time?  yes..

Are you often sad for no reason?  yes..

Do you often feel like your family and friends are better off with out you around?  yes..

Do you cry often for no reason?   yes..

etc, etc.. 

For some reason this time around it really really bothered me marking yes to 95% of those questions.  I was having a really really hard time dealing with the fact my oldest is going to be graduating high school and my baby is going into Kindergarten.. I cried over that ALL THE TIME.. I felt like I'm not needed anymore.. I feel lost.. What am I going to do now? I've been a stay at home mother for 18 years!  So yeah, I started crying and I couldnt stop.. I tried so suck it up but tears kept coming..Then she came in on me..  She was shocked to see me upset and when she asked me what's wrong I handed her the paper and lost it.. To make a long story short I left with a referral to a therapist (which I still havent called about) and a rx for Zoloft. 

Fast forward to now.. I was supposed to have went back this week but  little $$ left me skipping the appt.. I now regret it. I really, really, hate the way these pills make me feel.  It has helped me with crying all the time.. I dont anymore and thats great.. I've accepted what's going on and coping with that is going good.. But I can't sleep anymore.. The last few nights have been horrible. I dont know if its totally the meds  alone though or anxiety about the trip I'm sure is a chunk of it.. My sex drive is ZERO..I have no urge, no desire.. When it happens it takes forever. I hate that.. Today I got really upset and I started shaking.. I was so upset so fast and I was trembling. That freaked me out.  I'm not going to take them anymore. I can't. I'm going to call after the trip and get another appt to change it to something else.. I dont want this feeling to be my new norm. I rather cry all the time than to feel this way. I hate that I have to even deal with this.. I'm not depressed.. I dont wanna kill myself.. It's just anxiety, I worry about everything.. I hate going to bed and my brain wont shut off. Sigh.

Oh a better note, I'm really counting down now! I leave to PA in one day! I will be picked up here at 6am Sunday morning.  I'm so nervous, I do think that's another reason why I'm not sleeping good..Damn you anxiety.. 

I will try to blog while I am in Pittsburgh.  I think I will have a lot of down time in the evenings after classes are over. I dont see us doing much, I dont think my roommate will want to and I dont wanna go alone.. We shall see. ;)